to smoke or not to smoke?

If I had a dollar for how many times a day someone told me the risks of smoking cigarettes, or to put my cigarette out, I'd be rich. Or at least have enough money to gain back the dollars I've spent on Marlboro Lights for the last three years. Do these people think I don't know what my lungs must look like? That I've been conned into smoking by peer pressure and they feel the need to pull me out of this cloud of vulnerability, uncertainty and mindlessness? I am aware of the risks that come with smoking.

"You know, those cause lung cancer."

Really? I had no idea! I thought they were just bad for pregnant women.

"Second hand smoke kills."

Then kindly leave my presence.

When a close friend of mine sits me down to say, "Claire, you should think about cutting back," I will then take it to heart. Sit on it. Consider it. Dwell upon it. But to be told by the woman at the CVS checkout counter that cigarettes will kill me, I don't feel the need to be kind. Or, when I'm yelled at by the homeless man, sitting on a bench in the square outside of my apartment, that I had "better quit that stuff before it's too late." If anything, their quips make me feel like I'm some sort of idiot.

I am aware smoking kills. I can read the warning label. I can make my own decisions thank you. Just ring this baby up and I'll take my business elsewhere.

It's not like I haven't quit before, or at least tried to. I quit freshman year of college for a few months. I ran out of money and decided to spend it on more important things. Somehow, cigarettes became just as important and crept their way back in. My recent attempts have unfortunately failed me as well.

Attempt 1. New Years Resolution.

I never stick to these, and I'd like to meet someone who has. I envy you in that regard.

Attempt 2. Lent

I made a deal with myself to not smoke before 5 P.M. This worked for a while, but I found myself smoking more after 5 than I did before I made the stupid deal.

Attempt 3. I purchased a smoking cessation track on Itunes. Hypnosis Track For Those Who Wish to Stop Smoking.

First of all, the guy had a lisp so I couldn't focus on his words so much as the lack there of. Second of all, after listening to someone drone on about smoking for twenty minutes, the only thing I could think of was having a cigarette.

I could quit cold turkey, but I lack the willpower. Does that mean I'm weak? Am I not strong enough to tell myself, "No. Don't do it. You'll regret it later. I mean it! DON'T DO IT!"

Or maybe it's not that I can't, it's because I don't want to. Maybe my attempts have failed because I am not ready to quit. I like the act of smoking. Yes, that's it. I like it too much to let it go just yet. It's not the nicotine that I crave. I can go hours without smoking when I have to. For instance, on a plane, my body does not gyrate because of the lack of nicotine. I am strangely calm instead. I just like that hand to mouth fixation. Smoking has become part of who I am.

Hi, I'm Claire. I'm a smoker.

Now, I am not justifying cigarettes. (At least I don't mean to.) I do, of course, wish I had never started the filthy habit.

I am paying homage to smokers who do not want to be lectured every time they light up.

I'm sure you all mean well by your advice and words, however, I've grown tired of the constant reminders.

As I write this, I have since lit a cigarette. The person in the room with me just asked, "So, how many does that make today?"

Bite me.