it's all i know...

I really regret having spent so much time on you.

I really do.

I cried tonight- and I'm surprised I'm admitting that- but I actually shed tears over you. An asshole who I cannot comprehend why I even truly care about you.

I regret being too nice of a person. I would rather beat someone up for hurting my friend than beating someone up for hurting me.

That's just always how I have been though. I put others before me always and forever. I don't do things for me. Ever.

I want my friends to be happy before I am. I want them to have things before I do. I want them to have a better time than I am having. If they're unhappy, I'm unhappy.

I can't figure out if this is a good quality or bad. My father used to always say that I put others first before myself too often. He never understood why I couldn't, just for once, for a single, solitary moment, put myself before others. That I could make sure I was happy before anyone else.

My father does the same thing though. Always a people pleaser,: all of my qualities come from him.

I inherited his well proportioned nose, his curly, nappy hair and his love for everything and everyone.

Why couldn't I be like my mom? Someone who doesn't people please and puts herself first. Someone who really doesn't care if her friend isn't O.K. because the most important thing is if she is O.K. I wish I were like her.

Why the hell did I think you were a good person?

Why in the world did I try so hard to see the good in you?

Why the fuck was I such an idiot?

Excuse my french, but come on. It has to get to a point eventually when I realize I am being taken for granted. There has to come a time where I can just stand up and say, "Stop. Leave me alone. You are a douche bag and I know it. So just walk away."

Please, there has to be the pivotal moment in my life where I can finally be a bitch and stand up to what I need; what I want and what I know needs to happen.

For now though, I will cower in the corner, writing in my journal, all the things I wish I could say to you. The curse words I could use on you. Unfortunately though, I am better with a pen. A pen is stronger than a sword and for now, I will just write out my issues with you because it's all I know how to do.

It's all I know.